Rushed Off My Wheels

CHAPTER SUMMARY: chapter 29 part two, JOS, Cola-Girl, Bowling Shoes and Dating

2008-08-09T16:23:19Z

Sometimes when I'm writing something really weird happens. I start off with a clear picture in my head, a quick, relatively simple route from A to B. Then, something completely different happens and the clear route vanishes. A to B suddenly becomes A to E, which detours off to B, C and D. That's exacly what happened with the second part of Chapter 29. What I anticipated being a relatively short trip through a bowling date turned into a twelve page wander through the minds of Meredith and Derek, complete with a little streak of Meredith insecurity and a flashback of sorts for Derek. Like I said, weird.

You'll probably see right from the off that this part of the chapter has a lot of description of the setting. My usual approach for fanfiction lately is, I suppose, relatively description light. I write sound, smell, taste and touch, but sight sort of gets lost. If you read back through the early chapters of JOS I think you'll see I'm right. My justification is that for the most part I'm using settings we, as viewers of Grey's Anatomy, know. We know what Meredith's house looks like, we know what the trailer looks like, so why take the time to describe that unless it serves to push the story on? Personally I'd rather use my words to engage the reader in the plot, the feelings, the development of Meredith and Derek's relationship. However, for this part of the chapter I'm taking Meredith and Derek out of their enviroment to somewhere new, or at least new to Meredith. I can't speak for anyone else but I know that when I go somewhere new, especially somewhere I'm uncertain of, my eyes are everywhere, taking things in, seeing things. It's almost like my awareness is heightened. I'm conscious of everything, including, it 's weird to say, an inate need to know where the toilets are. Honestly Freud would have had a field day with me. I can see it now, 'compulsive obsessive social phobic with a dread of enclosed spaces and a weak bladder'!

My approach with the early part of 29 part two is to go with Meredith's perspective. We are seeing the bowling alley through her eyes. Even in the foyer, before the evening has started properly, she is taking things in, the low light, the sets of double doors, the signs indicating the toilets, a door leading to somewhere that is out of bounds, the posters that appear to show perfect people doing sports, and perfect family images that Meredith is automatically cynical of. It is sad that Meredith's immediate reaction to the posters is to wonder where the one is that shows the kid on their own because the father isn't there and the mother is too busy for frivolous things like bowling. I suppose I was trying to show that with Meredith her past is never far away. She sees the world through cynical, tainted eyes because like has treated her like that.

A major chance to present Meredith's cynical side is when we are introduced to a character I fondly think of as Cola- Girl. I was a bit concerned this character might cause offence. I've written her as a typical teenage High School student, probably someone who is working evenings and maybe weekends just to give herself some pocket money. I wondered if some people might think she is a bit of a caricature. I was tempted to take her out of the story altogether, really not needing the hassle. Then it struck me. The girl is a caricature because Meredith sees her that way. Meredith sees this perky, teenage brunette, who is all smiles and cheerfulness and straight away she is reminded of a tin of Coca-Cola, with its bright red colour and white floaty font.

I am deliberately a little ambiguous about whether or not Cola-Girl is really flirting with Derek in the way Meredith thinks she is. The important thing is that when Derek steps up to the information desk to comfirm his booking Meredith is struck by the fact that the girl immediately puts down the telephone she'd been talking into just a second before. Then, what anyone else would think of as normal customer service with its forced cheerfulness and crawling, becomes something else entirely. Some might say that what Meredith does then is out of character. Instead of turning on her heel and walking out, or stomping up to Derek and telling him what he could do with his date, she steps up by his side and practically advertises that they are together. It is somehow a statement of intent of sorts, a claim, or, as she puts it, marking her territory, even if she is somewhat mortified at the thought of doing any such thing, and doubtful as to whether the territory she is marking really is hers. That, in nutshell, is Meredith's character. There, in that scene, we see that she steps up and makes her presence known, though it is uncertain whether it is Derek or the girl she is reminding, but at the same time there is still that doubt, that sense that she sees herself as unworthy somehow, not good enough. She also realises that what she has done is embarrass the girl behind the desk. Meredith might be a mass of insecurity but she isn't unkind and straight away she tries to explain her behaviour by telling the girl what she is doing with Derek. A little later, amid Meredith taking in the bowling alley and being amused by Derek taking her to one place where her bad diet would be considered appropriate, we see Derek's take on the same event. His feelings are all tangled up over it. Part of him knows Meredith reacted because she doesn't trust him, he sees that all too clearly. Part of him is elated. In his mind Meredith has claimed him and he loves it. Derek is so used to being pushed away that this one moment of clarity on Meredith's part is snatched at. In a way he blows it out of perspective as much as Meredith does, albeit in the opposite way. That is why, when he hears Meredith explaining her presence to Cola-Girl, he turns all his attention to her. He liked the feeling of Meredith knowing he was there with her and he wants it back. It is no coincidence that after this Derek loses himself for a while, caught up in a memory of the very beginning of him and Meredith, a time when she did step up for what she wanted and was certain, at least for a moment.

Eventually, after Meredith's obvious disgust at the prospect of wearing bowling shoes that have been on loads of other people's feet (I was somewhat disappointed that no one picked up on the idea of Meredith catching something and accusing Derek, I thought it was quite funny, but that's me) they begin to bowl, with Derek instructing Meredith as they go along. Things go well and Meredith discovers she is doing okay, until she gets it into her head that Derek is letting her win. He isn't, of course he isn't, (I mean, this is Derek after all) but Meredith decides to test him, to find out if he really is telling her the truth. That leads Derek to admit that he has been bowling before, with Addison.

It might seem strange to have Derek thinking of his life before Meredith at this point. Wouldn't it make more sense to have him focus on the date and fixing the mess he is digging himself into? In a way it would, it would certainly have been easier. However, I needed to show that this, the bowling with Meredith now, was completely different to bowling with Addison in the past. Whereas that was a way of spending time together where they couldn't fight, with Meredith it is something else, something deeper. It is natural for Meredith to be doubtful and to be hurt by the thought of Derek doing something with her he has also done with Addison, but as she looks around she can see other couples playing. It tells her that maybe it isn't so weird that Derek has done this with another woman, even Addison. She takes a little enjoyment out of finding out that Addison wasn't good at it. However, even then she isn't convinced Derek isn't letting her win.

It takes an admission from Derek that Mark was better than him to begin to change her mind. Meredith knows Derek hates playing second fiddle to Mark. Then she worries about how Derek feels about her winning, if he minds. Meredith knows he hates to fail. Suddenly the bowling becomes a metaphor for the whole relationship. Derek basically says that whether or not he minds depends on whether Meredith is enjoying herself. There is no point in playing if Meredith isn't in the game. It makes Meredith think. To her amazement she finds that she has enjoyed the evening and admits as much. They both sense the importance of this moment. For once they are seeing things in the same way. It is a much lighter Meredith that responds to this with a challenge.

That is chapter 29 part two. I have already submitted Chapter 30 to ff.net and will summarise it here when I have a moment. I am also intending to write Chapter 31 this week. Watch this space.

Just One Second Chapter 30 Is Up

2008-08-01T15:01:18Z

Having accepted that Derek wasn’t letting her win, she just had something of a natural aptitude for bowling, Meredith had lain down the gauntlet. A competition, loser buys the winner dinner. From the anxious bundle of nerves she’d been at the start of the evening, she’d changed. Now she was all fiery competitiveness, her eyes gleaming as she stared down at the pins like a cat waiting to pounce on a particularly tasty looking canary.

I have just uploaded Chapter 30 of Just One Second to ff.net. It has turned into another fairly long chapter. It was definitely an interesting one to write, the atmosphere between Meredith and Derek changes a few times as the chapter unfolds.

Having just got on with it this week, I've given myself some time. I'll be certain to get the rest of my commentary for Chapter 29 (I still have things to say!) and one for Chapter 30 done this weekend. Just writing Chapter 30 without worrying about deadlines and such has worked out well for me. I hope you agree. You can read it by clicking here.

Chapter 29 Part Two Done

2008-07-13T14:53:05Z

I've just uploaded the second part to Chapter 29 of Just One Second, my ongoing fic on fanfiction.net. I have to say, I'm really quite pleased with it. It went off slightly in an unexpected direction, but I think what I've done fits well into the overall picture, leaving enough hanging in there to resolve later without developing too many new ideas. It seems to work well with emphasising a lot of the issues, trust being the main problem, as well as insecurity, but is also light enough, I think, for a few smiles here and there.

I'll write a full chapter summary tomorrow, when I can read the chapter through again and qualify my thinking. At the moment I'm too tired. I wrote until 1.40am this morning, and then finished this afternoon, so anything I write now would just be rubbish.

You can read the chapter by clicking here. I would really appreciate some feedback.

A TINY CHANGE OF PLAN

2008-07-12T17:59:03Z

I did say chapter 29 part two would be up today, but as I'm sure you know by now, it isn't. For once I can say that it is purely because the writing is going so well. Right at this moment the second part of the chapter is over 3000 words and is still not finished. I wrote something yesterday that took me in an unexpected direction, but which still fits in the scheme of things really well. By way of a clue, Meredith does something which completely knocks Derek sideways, and as much as he loves what she does, or I suppose, as much as he wants to love it, he knows deep down it's because she's uncertain of him. That led to Derek thinking right back to the very beginning of their relationship and the way he feels for Meredith.

What I think I've ended up doing is writing something that shows that Meredith just doesn't get how deeply Derek feels for her. He might have said it, he might show it, but it doesn't quite get through because she thinks that at some point Derek will walk away, after all, he has done it before. What Meredith sees is that they can't even have sex, so at some point Derek will walk away, she won't be enough to keep him, not without the one thing they have that works for them. What Derek sees is this woman, this beautiful, fragile, incredible, magical (in his eyes!) woman, who shakes him up, who literally stops him in his tracks. He sees the woman he needs like other people need oxygen. He also sees that he has hurt her and given her reason to doubt, even if she won't admit the doubt she has, mainly, in her mind, because if she voices a doubt it will make Derek leave. Suddenly Derek sees teaching Meredith to bowl in an entirely new way. On the surface it is trivial, but suddenly Derek can see that this is one thing he can do, one thing he can give Meredith that she can trust. Derek sees it as a way of showing Meredith that he will be there for her, not just in the bowling alley, but everywhere else.

The chapter WILL be up tomorrow. Definite.

Unblocked!

2008-07-11T12:46:48Z

Just over 1000 words done today so far, and I'm happy now that things are back on track. It's turning into a chapter where I play with the perspectives a bit, which seems to show Meredith and Derek's viewpoints really well, as well as showing how they can see the same thing from a slightly different point of view. It's actually quite good, if that doesn't sound too arrogant.

Today is going so well that I can now more or less commit myself to saying the chapter will be up some time tomorrow.

JUST A TASTER

2008-07-10T12:53:50Z

A cynical voice in Meredith’s ear wondered where the poster was that showed the kid on their own because the father wasn’t there and the mother was too busy for such frivolous things as bowling.

I have made a start on the second part of Chapter 29 of Just One Second. It is going okay, today I've managed about 800 words so far, and that's just the beginning of the chapter, describing the bowling alley's main entrance! I suppose I'm trying to be a little bit more descriptive here because Meredith has never been to a bowling alley before. She has an idea of what it might look like, but hasn't really seen one, rather a lot like me, so her first look is interesting to describe, at least I think it is.

I hate writing the beginning of a new chapter. I REALLY hate it! I know where I'm going once I'm in to it, but the setting it up part is my least favourite part of writing. It's sort of like mild writer's block, where you know what you need to write to get from A to B, but A is a little fuzzy so you'd much rather skip straight to B, but you know you can't. Still, I know what I'm doing so I just need to do it, so that I can get to the good part.

This part of the chapter is likely to be a bit shorter than the first part. I'm not sure about that though, so watch this space. It will include the bowling and a dinner, and a little time after, so it could be another long one. It depends on what my muse is in the mood for. We shall see.

Expect the chapter tomorrow (yes, I know, but I'm going to try), Saturday at the latest.

Oops, I did it again!

2008-07-04T17:09:24Z

No, don't worry, I haven't just discovered Britney Spears. I've just realised I have another part of chapter 29 of Just One Second to write, and I haven't done it. Honestly, is it any wonder why I get so few reviews now?

I've had a bad back again which I thought might be a chest infection but it turns out I just pulled a muscle a bit. I've been doing a bit of stuff in the garden, so I've obviously overdone it. I've also been avidly watching Wimbledon on tv, and completely forgot to get back to the writing when my back felt better.

I'm going to aim to have chapter 29 part two up by the middle of next week whatever happens. I can't do it this weekend as I have visitors for the weekend. Frankly when you have house guests it's probably a bit rude to ignore them and write fanfiction.

Thanks for sticking with me. This story will be over by the time Grey's comes back, or thereabouts, even if it kills me!

Chapter Summary: Chapter 29, JOS Bowling - A Confession - a.k.a. Getting Into Meredith's Shoes

2008-06-17T16:14:24Z

The idea of Meredith and Derek dating came to me fairly early on in my planning process for Just One Second. My very early idea was to take them on holiday at some point, probably abroad, to give them space to get to know each other on neutral ground, and allow them to rediscover their relationship. Then, with a lot of guidance from AriaAdagio, I realised that idea wouldn't work. Why would they suddenly go away? Would it be realistic to have Meredith away on holiday with Derek, bearing in mind she must have had some time off after the drowning and her mother's death, even if it was just a short period? The answer is clearly that this is the sort of couple that wouldn't just up sticks and go on holiday, mainly because of their jobs, and Meredith, with all the things she's had to deal with, probably had to have a number of days off during her internship, which would mean she would have hours to catch up on. I suspect Meredith would be lucky to get any sustained time off for....well, for a while, unless she has a good reason.

In the end, after giving it a lot of thought, I decided to keep it simple. I considered Meredith and Derek's relationship and the thought struck me that we haven't really seen them go on a date, or a number of dates, apart from when Meredith was dating Finn and Derek, and we saw her arrive back at her house with Derek before Finn turned up, and before that, just before Addison turned up, it was obvious that Derek was about to take Meredith out to dinner. Dating hasn't been a normal, everyday part of the relationship though, whereas sex clearly has. It struck me that dating, as far as Meredith and Derek are concerned, has effectively been the forerunner to the main event (I was tempted to call it foreplay), rather than being something in its own right. I could see that my challenge was to make dating something significant, rather than it being just the route to sex.

Thinking of what Meredith and Derek could do together wasn't as easy as it might sound. Sure, they could have dinner, they could see movies, but I was also keen to look at things other couples do, and things that the characters would (or would not, which is even more interesting) do. I also wondered what my readers would like to see them doing together. It was AriaAdagio who suggested bowling.

I have to say, I think AriaAdagio's idea is brilliant. I also understand the thinking behind it, that it is nice to see Meredith and Derek doing things that other couples do together. However, I had one major problem. It was something that completely coloured my perspective. I have never been bowling. I think of bowling, and other such things, as being a bit sporty, and, other than watching tennis, especially during Wimbledon fortnight, enjoying seeing the odd bit of athletics, and the even more odd bit of horse racing on TV, I am the least sporty person I know. I'm also disabled, which arguably, is a good excuse not to be sporty. The idea of writing about bowling scared me almost witless. I don't have the best brain for grasping rules (I mean, do you know anyone else in the UK who doesn't get how cricket works, or who can't grasp the difference between rugby league and rugby union, no matter how many times my brother has tried to explain it to me, and who definitely has no idea whatsoever about the off-side rule in football?) so the idea of trying to write about this thing in a way that sounds realistic, concentrate on Meredith and Derek, and try to push the plot on, was unbelievably frightening. I couldn't see how to work it through, but at the same time, the idea wouldn't go away. I wanted to take them bowling!

After a lot of thinking, I realised something. I am an idiot. No, seriously, I'm not being modest. I am officially an idiot. I had the solution in my own hands. Meredith. One of the things we get from Meredith is that her childhood, and I suspect her adolescence, was not normal. She probably didn't do a lot of the things young people do. Her adulthood seems to have been a pattern of tequila and one night stands, so she hasn't done many of the normal things couples do either. I suddenly saw something in Meredith that I could use. For one chapter I could put myself in her shoes, or place her in mine. It led to writing in a whole new way for me, and I enjoyed it.

What you need to know right from the start with chapter 29 is that both Meredith and Derek are scared stiff. They have something going on that they can't fix in the usual way. They have to deal with it. They want to deal with it, they really, really want to, but it's scary. Derek's approach is to be all bright and perky at first, to use the 'bull in a china shop' approach. He isn't trying to bully Meredith into going bowling, but he wants them to do something together that really should be fun. Thousands of couples go bowling, and they enjoy it, right? Derek probably spent his youth bowling, and doing lots of other sporty things, until he got caught up in his work and lost himself for a while. It is a simple thing though, something that really should be easy. He discovers eventually that it isn't easy at all, because this thing that he thinks Meredith will enjoy is something she has never done before.

Meredith is almost a wreck even before Derek turns up. Finding something to wear on this date turns out to be an ordeal in itself, because she hasn't got a clue what Derek has planned. Then, when he announces he is taking her bowling, everything implodes. Meredith has never been bowling. She is already nervous about the date because she wonders what they'll find to talk about all night (I'm sure any regular viewer of Grey's Anatomy could think of some stuff!) and it will show they have nothing in common, and then Derek announces that. She is stunned. She is immediately scared she just won't be able to do it, she'll make a fool of herself in public because she can't do this thing that even kids do without thinking about it. It's an awful situation to be in.

The fight in the car seems inevitable. Both Meredith and Derek are nervous. I think if I'm honest, if they'd been on a level playing field, one where they were perhaps just having a simple dinner together, they would still end up fighting. They are both on edge, and edgy people can blow up over silly things. I've done it, I'm sure you have too. All Meredith can see is that Derek wants her to do this thing that she doesn't know how to do, and all Derek can see is Meredith is being moody and awkward, when he'd put so much thought into the date. It all blows up, despite the way Derek tries to offer Meredith an out, and she tells him she is fine, it all explodes, and they fight. Derek really does try not to provoke Meredith, but does it anyway, and Meredith responds by hurting him back. It all looks disastrous.

The important thing for me to get over in this chapter is that both of them are in a blind panic. They both realise somehow that they have reached a crossroads in the relationship because sex is no longer part of the equation. It makes them realise that somehow they have to find a way to having a normal relationship. They are both desperate for it to work, it has to work, because if it doesn't.....

It was important to me to have Meredith and Derek fighting, but also to have them both see what they are doing. Derek knew Meredith would freak out at some point, but he reacts when Meredith does it, and Meredith is angry with Derek for expecting her to just go along with his plans, until she realises that he doesn't understand why this is such a big deal for her. They really do see themselves clearly here, and neither likes it very much.

Fixing the fight is a good start, but it doesn't fix the whole thing. They are still nervous, though it is now because of the date and what it means than the bowling itself. They are unsure of how to behave with each other, even the things they say and do are being analysed, but somehow, amongst all that, they want this to work. They keep telling themselves that they've fought and dealt with it, so maybe this will work out, maybe they can do it. They aren't just thinking about the bowling. Perhaps getting out of the car and taking each other by the hand is a leap of faith, but it is one they both know they have to take. Maybe it is a start.

This was the first part of a two-part chapter. In the next one, which will be soon, you will see the date itself. It should be interesting.

Just One Second, Chapter 29 is up!

2008-06-16T08:36:04Z

A little later than I intended, admittedly, but Chapter 29 of Just One Second is now up on ff.net. I finished this part of the chapter at 1.15am this morning, so if there are any errors in it, blame that. I think I proof-read it quite well, but at that time of night (or day, for that matter!) anything is possible.

As I implied before, the chapter will have a second part. Looking at it, I knew last night I would never cover the ground I need to deal with in one chapter, so I will get part two done over the next few days. I want it written and uploaded by the end of the week.

More thoughts on the chapter when I have a bit more time. For now, you can read it by clicking here.

Great progress

2008-06-13T16:25:48Z

She may as well have kicked him. Derek felt her words right in his guts. She thought their date was something to be got over, as if it was something bad she really didn’t want to deal with. ‘Well, I’m really glad you’re looking forward to it so much, thanks for the vote of confidence!’ He couldn’t help it, her words had stung him, he reacted to them instinctively. ‘Maybe we should just forget the whole thing and I should just take you home!’ He knew he was yelling now, but at that moment, he didn’t care.

As previously promised, I'm working on the next chapter of Just One Second. I'm really happy to report that it is going well so far. I've done over 3400 words over the last couple of days and it still has a way to go. I'm not even at the business end of the chapter yet and I've done almost seven complete pages in Word. I'm thinking that maybe the chapter will end up being split into two parts, though I will literally do that, I won't drag things out over two chapters, they'll just be part one and part two, as I've done at least once before. I'm trying to keep all the chapters to a similar number of pages. I know if I don't do that I'm likely to ramble, which in my case is never a good idea.

The chapter seemed to want to start in a particular direction, which I was uncertain of at first. It seemed at odds with the tone of what I've done previously, where once Meredith and Derek worked out what they need to do to deal with their problem, things were quite positive. That said, bearing in mind what I did in the previous chapter, this new direction fits, and will serve to illustrate a few things about communication, or the lack of, in the relationship. It also gives a certain feeling of menace to the chapter, a level of angst, which is always fun to write. It will be interesting to see how it works out, though I have to be honest and say that I already know!

If things continue going well the chapter will be up (either as one, or as two parts) by the end of Sunday, maybe even tomorrow if I can manage it.

Okay, so I didn't write it....

2008-06-09T16:56:29Z

I will keep trying to commit to deadlines and I keep missing them. I made the fatal mistake of saying that Just One Second would be updated by the end of the weekend, and I'm clearly late...unless you happen to be in a country where it is still Sunday, in which case I'm not...Well, you can't blame me for trying.

I'm going to hit the writing with a vengeance tonight. I feel a rush of creativity coming on, it's just a pity it didn't come on on Saturday. It will happen soon, I promise.

Altogether I suspect that Just One Second probably has about another six chapters or so to go. Maybe ten, depending on how the writing goes. To give you some insight, I should probably say that this is the first time I've written anything quite as involved or complicated. I've written angsty stuff, and fluffy stuff, but I don't think I've ever tackled anything involving a specific issue, and definitely nothing involving a real medical problem. That was probably the most scary thing for me. In dealing with real-life problems, there is ample opportunity to get something wrong and cause offence. I hope, broadly, I've got it right.

I tend to be the sort of writer who does notes. I usually do broad outlines for chapters, just lines, or sometimes words that give me pointers of where each chapter needs to go. Then what I sometimes do is little bits of dialogue, perhaps if something funny occurs to me, or anything particular I want a character to say. Basically though, it gives me something to work with. This time, when I was planning the story out, I didn't give myself that safety net. It's given me room to amend some of my ideas, but it makes the process much slower. If I'd notes, and admittedly, if I'd not been interrupted by sister getting married last year, and a long spell of illness for me this year, Just One Second would be done. In that respect it has taught me a lot. I'm the sort of writer who needs notes, or the idea of notes, to keep me focused. Is that a bad thing? You have to judge that, I'm not sure.

As I had no notes, how exactly did Just One Second come about? Well, it seems like a long time ago now, but it all began with Meredith's drowning and the aftermath of that in season 3. I know that a lot of us were shocked by how Meredith and Derek's relationship seemed to fold at the end of season 3, and it seemed, almost regardless of what else had happened, the drowning was the catalyst. I know I wasn't alone in wanting to find a way to deal with the drowning and the relationship. I suppose I was keen to fix what so many of us regarded as Shonda's mess!

I know I wasn't alone in being really impressed by Ariaadagio's stunning Standing On Solid Ground. She used post traumatic stress to approach the same sorts of issues I wanted to tackle. That made sense. I think what people do with the drowning, is see it from Meredith's point of view and ignore Derek. It seems to me as if people thought that because Derek didn't drown, he should just be able to move on and get over it. I don't believe it's that simple, and it certainly wasn't in the immediate aftermath. I wish the show had expanded on it, but still, that is what fanfiction is for.

I set about thinking about how I could get Meredith and Derek to deal with the drowning, whilst also making them tackle their relationship. The first idea I had was to have one of them, probably Derek, turn to alcohol to numb all the feelings he was obviously struggling with. I dismissed that very quickly. As much as I think Meredith could easily use alcohol to numb emotional pain, I couldn't see Derek doing the same. I wondered how he would handle it, and, in truth, I came up with a sort of negative. Whilst Meredith might drink and, at least in the past, sleep with inappropriate men, Derek would bury everything. He would try to push everything away until it all got too much and exploded out. That was an interesting idea. It meant that I could have some pretty heavy-duty angst throughout the story, building up and up until....Well, you'll have to read and see.

The thing that intrigues me most about our McDreamy is his fear of failure. Watch him trying to resuscitate a patient and I think you'll see. He seems almost frantic about it. It's as if he takes a patient's death as a personal insult. He gets angry when he thinks he can't do something, the surgery on the conjoined twins for example, which he really didn't want to do.

Even in his relationships Derek is scared of being seen as less than perfect. It took him ages to really face up to his part in the failure of his marriage. He went back to Addison predominantly, in my opinion, because he couldn't stand to be the one who ended it, or, who gave up on something so important, he had to be the one who was trying, or at least that looked like he was trying. Also, in retrospect, we know that it took the clinical trial for Derek to face up to his own mistakes in his relationship with Meredith. Derek needs to not be a failure. He needs to be a good guy.

Having got to what I believe is the root of Derek, I set about thinking about Derek and Meredith as a couple. I had to pull apart their relationship and think about what makes them tick. It made me look at their problems and how they have gone about fixing them. They've certainly not talked things through. The answer was obvious. Sex. Meredith and Derek have appeared, all through their relationship, to use sex as a means of communication. Every time anything difficult has cropped up they have fallen back on sex to deal with it. Sex isn't the reason they are together, I'm not implying that, but it is the one thing they turn to over and over, when things get tough.

Almost immediately I had a story idea. The root of the story would be a question. If sex wasn't a part of Meredith and Derek's relationship, would there still be a relationship?

I had to think about how I could remove sex from the equation. I thought about traumatic stress in broad terms, thinking about the drowning in particular, and how it might have made Derek feel and how he might be affected by the trauma. I did some research, browsing mostly on the net. I mulled it over, thought about how it could work. Then I realised. Derek was going to have erectile dysfunction. I was, to be frank, going to make him impotent.

I put my idea to Ariaadagio, who helped me so much by giving me time to bounce ideas around. She was also brilliant at steering my tangled thoughts, and putting forward constructive criticism when my ideas became fanciful. Sometimes what you need is someone to be honest enough to say, 'I don't think that would work for such and such a reason, but why not try....' It helped so much.

The issue I've tackled has given me lots of scope. I've had to look at how it would make Derek feel, a man who clearly likes to be perceived as able and in control, a man for whom the inability to do this most basic thing, would be devastating. I've also had to think about Meredith. Would she feel rejected? Would she want a relationship without sex? How would she handle trying to help Derek through it, would she even want to? There are so many issues that could potentially occur, for them as individuals, as well as them as a couple. It could be a minefield.

My objective is to make Derek and Meredith see each other in a new way. I hope to take them to a place where sex is still part of the relationship, but it isn't used as a means of dealing with difficult things. I hope to make them face up to their past, both as a couple, and also as individuals. I hope to make them look at how they got themselves into a mess, and to make them work it through together.

I hope that if you are reading Just One Second you are enjoying the journey I'm taking them on, and if you're not, that you will read this and be inspired to take a look.

Just One Second To Resume

2008-06-05T16:47:07Z

Just wanted to let you all know that Just One Second, my ongoing fic on ff.net will resume normal service by the end of the weekend. I have the next chapter pretty much clear in my mind. All I need to do is write the thing!

By way of teasers, expect a date which will include bowling, thanks to a brilliant suggestion by AriaAdagio. Expect some fun and talking about Meredith and Derek's experiences of being a teenager, which sounds less interesting than it will actually be (I promise!). Expect some teasing and competitiveness. Finally, expect a little bit of cheesy fluff.

Oh My God!!!!

2008-06-05T16:31:10Z

Excuse the blasphemy, I couldn't really think what else to say. I am officially stunned!

Okay...deep breath. I'll have another go.

Have you tried the personality test on ABC's Grey's Anatomy homepage? Just for fun I thought I'd have a go. For those of you who have yet to try it (I would suggest you don't unless you want to be as mortified as I am) you're given the choice of choosing to be male or female, and then you answer a set of questions and you're told which character you are most similar to.

I did female first, as a woman it made sense. Then, for a giggle, I did male. Thinking like a man is....weird. So, which characters am I most like? Izzie...and Mark. Yes, you read it right. I, apparently, am like MARK!

The thing that's funny about it is that Izzie is just about my least favourite Grey's character (though she did redeem herself in the latter part of season 4) , and Mark is just....well, there isn't much to say is there??

There was me, innocently living my life, thinking of myself (not that I had thought about it, but humour me) as a cross between Bailey and some of Derek's nicer traits, when all the time I am Izzie and Mark!

Shoot me now!

Light - To Be Continued

2008-06-01T15:07:10Z

I said I wasn't going to do it. I really wasn't going to do it. I have a fanfic already on the go that has taken more than a year to write, so did I really need to write another one? The answer was clearly yes, because I went and did it anyway. You can read Light, my all-singing, all-dancing (I'm joking!) new fanfiction by clicking here.

You can also read Light, and various other fanfictions I have written by clicking my fanfics in my links section. Any comments you would like to make are appreciated, especially when they are nice (joking again....sort of).

I've been asked if Light will have a second chapter. Originally I thought not. I'm just too busy! After careful consideration, and several lovely reviews (thanks, you all know who you are) I have decided that it needs a second chapter....Just one more chapter mind, it won't morph into an epic. Watch this space!

Meredith's conditioner - hidden meaning?

2008-05-28T15:18:37Z

A quick thought of mine, which suggests I've either got too much time on my hands, or I'm obsessed with Grey's Anatomy.

Don't be surprised as season 5 evolves to see Meredith's conditioner change. I've just been reading up on flowers and their meanings. Apparently, in Victorian times people used flowers to signify certain things, love, grief and so on, something that we still do today.

Lavendar, which as we all know, is our Meredith's scent of choice for her conditioner, signifies distrust. It's interesting to me that in It's The End Of The World, Meredith says her conditioner has stopped working. Then, in As We Know It, it's Derek's image she uses to for reassurance that it will be alright when she is taking the bomb out of the body, and she seems to believe him. A coincidence? I think not.

I'm not usually one for all the hidden meanings people think they see in Grey's Anatomy, but this one works for me. Clever, those Grey's Anatomy people!

This Is Me

2008-05-24T16:52:19Z

Welcome to my LJ, my very own space on the net (ooh the power!) where I get to ramble to my hearts content. I'm a talker by nature, so expect a wide range of thoughts on just about whatever is grabbing me at the moment. I tend to get grabbed (in the nicest possible way of course!) by lots of things. I might get confusing, but it will never be dull.

I love to write and I love Grey's Anatomy, so my idea of a good time is clearly Grey's Anatomy fanfiction! I've written a few Grey's things now and I like to think they're not bad. The characters are so well drawn, they really are a frustrated writer's dream to dabble with. I hope to use this space to give you my thoughts on what I'm writing, maybe to recommend stuff I like to read, and also to give you my own perspective on all things Grey's Anatomy...I need season 5 now!!!

I also love music. Be warned, those of you who aren't familiar with Cliff Richard yet will be by the time I'm done. Believe me, it's easier to just give in and go with it.